Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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