I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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