Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We had sex on a dog bed..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
