Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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