I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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