i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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