You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
