Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
