Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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