I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
