And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
