He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
