I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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