Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize