My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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