I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
