respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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