I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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