You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
