i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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