who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
