It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do herpes really smell.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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