last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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