I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
