just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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