I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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