It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
