I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
