I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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