I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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