Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I yelled at your uterus for you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
