Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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