Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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