Will you blow on my dice?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
