Kiss
Puke
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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