By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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