my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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