we're chasing vodka with high fives
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
