It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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