everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
