He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize