The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
