Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
