We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize