Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
