Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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