I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
