I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
