Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
