Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
