Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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