I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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