Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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