It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
