Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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