I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
