So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I am spending my child support on dildos
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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