my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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