So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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