I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
