can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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