I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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