Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize