I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize