It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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